crazy CHRIST craver

I am recording my testimony here for the purpose of sharing how God can turn someone’s life around, and use someone who felt like they weren’t worth very much. You will see that I have made more than my share of bad choices as I ran from God. I have hurt many people, including a wife who has divorced me and three awesome kids. I have failed at just about everything that I ever started, even though I am more than capable. I hope that a look into my life would encourage you in your walk with God to go deeper than you ever have before. I have found in all of my searching that He is the only thing that is worthy of pursuing, and it is He that I now run to.

My name is Joshua Darrel Ratliff. I am 28 years old, and I was born and raised in California. I grew up in a church going family of four kids; two boys and two girls. We went to church Sundays and Wednesdays, often times even attending both services on Sunday morning and then the Sunday night service as well, because my mom was on the worship team and my dad was often an usher. My parents, who are still married, never drank, smoked, or cussed as I was growing up, and rarely did they allow us kids to see any tension between them (burying things was the way to solve most problems in our home).

I was basically a really good kid, doing well in school and sports, and always did my best. The older that I got, the more that I stood out in my mind, as not being “cool,” and what I perceived other people to be thinking about me was a huge problem (fear of man). In high school I started playing football, and became quite good. I got along with just about everyone, kids new who I was, but I certainly wasn’t part of the group that kids considered “cool.” I continued to go to youth group, and by my junior year I had started becoming a leader.

During Christmas vacation my junior yeah was the first time that I got drunk, and when I say drunk I mean totally wasted, I puked all over, passed out, and peed my pants. I felt horrible the next day, and didn’t drink again for a few months. Towards the end of my junior year I also took my first dip of chewing tobacco. That summer I started dipping, and I began cussing regularly which was something that I really had never done before.

In the middle of that summer I went on a mission trip to Mexico with my youth group. I saw some things during that trip that made me want to go into full time ministry, and even give up playing football. I was excited about sharing the gospel and becoming a missionary. I didn’t see how I could play a silly game while there where people dying around the world, having never heard the gospel. I came home and told my parents. My dad seemed to be fine with it, and I think that he was even proud of me for seeing that. However, my mother didn’t see things the same way and said that I could do both and said that I shouldn’t quit playing football because I loved it so much.

From this point on things began to go down hill. I returned to dipping and cussing and the desire to become “cool.” Half way through football season that year I smoked marijuana for the first time ever, actually I ate some pot cake the first time I got high. I had always said that I would never smoke, but when the cake was offered to me I jokingly said, “I never said that I wouldn’t eat it.” So I ate, and got high. The following weekend I smoked weed for the first time, and I was on my way to becoming the biggest pothead around. I progressed from once a week to every couple of days to by the time I was a freshman in college I was a constant state of being high. I lived to smoke weed and play football.

I went to Butte Community College during my first two football seasons where I started as a defensive tackle. Both years I received high honors for playing and was successful in becoming the “coolest” person I knew. I was a total pothead; I was always high. Because my parents did not approve of my drug habit I had to become an exception liar, and became great at being whatever I thought that someone else wanted me to be.

After my sophomore season at Butte I received a full ride scholarship to Texas Tech University. I didn’t really want to go there, but because of my poor grades I could not get into all of the other schools that I really wanted to go to on the west coast. In my transfer I was planning on becoming a better person. I quit smoking weed and started going to class. I met a girl and spent most of free time with her, and immediately we started sleeping together. During my first semester at Tech I did much better in school and only smoked once. I earned the starting spot as a defensive end during spring training, but I still wasn’t really accepted by my teammates, and I always felt like an outsider.

I received a financial aid check for $1300 the day before I went home for summer. When I got home I went right back to the same old life style of being high continuously. In less than a month before returning to Texas, I spent almost all of the money that I had gotten, mostly on weed.  I got back to Tech and started summer workouts and summer school.

Season came quickly and before the first game during practice I got hurt for the first time. Although it was not super crucial, it was enough that I was unable to start in the first game. I finally got healthy, but in the fourth game of the season I hurt my knee bad enough that I was unable to play the rest of the season.

I became very depressed and went back to smoking. I was tired of being in this place but ran to drugs as my escape. I began to plan leaving Texas to go to Portland State University at the winter break and instead of being honest with my girl friend I began to treat her very poorly in an attempt to get her to leave me, and it was then that I cheated on her for the first time. I began lying to her about everything, when I had always been honest with her. It was also during this time that she got pregnant. When I found out I was so scarred. I can’t believe that I allowed the thought to even be entertained for any amount of time, but for a day or so I actually thought about having her abort the baby. I was so incredibly scarred. We decided that she would come to Portland with me, and that we would get married after the baby was born.

During that spring semester while I was at Portland State my fiancée (Rachel) was still in Texas. I began cheating on her again. I talked to her multiple times a day, but was always high, usually playing video games, and the girl that I was cheating on her with was even in the room with me. I had become such a jerk. Our daughter, Hadley, was born in August , and Rachel and I got married ten days later. We got married in the morning, and I went to football practice later that day, romantic huh? It wasn’t long before Rachel talked to the girl that I had been cheating on her with before she had gotten there. Of course I lied about the details just as I had done before.

Rachel was going to school fulltime working on her masters and working fulltime as well, and because of this was hardly around. I played football, went to class sparingly, and hung out with my newborn daughter while being high and playing video games. Don’t worry, I always went in the other room to smoke… how stupid could I get (shaking head thinking about how low I had gotten). I continued to lie to Rachel about everything: dipping, smoking weed, and attending class. I was a total idiot.

I’ll fast forward as I’m sure that you can guess how the next two years went. Yup that’s right, more lying, smoking, dipping, and flat out be an inconsiderate jerk. Because I had made such poor choices and didn’t take care of business, nor did I take care of my body, I had gotten passed up by all of the NFL scouts that had shown interest. Going to Portland State was not a very good idea for trying to go the next level in football, as they were horrible. I had to play injured because there was no one else to play for me. Anyway, I had a good season, but was mostly taking on double teams as the other teams ran the other way meaning that I didn’t get to make many plays. The NFL is looking for playmakers, and because I didn’t have the opportunity to make many plays, I got passed up on. I’m surely not trying to complain here, as this was simply the outcome of horrible choices.

After football my senior year, Rachel and I moved to Texas to be by her family. I continued to plan on football as my career, and began to look into playing in the AFL (Arena Football League) so that I could get my foot back in the door. By the time that we had gotten moved and I thought of this as an option, the Arena season had already started. I knew nothing about arena football, but I found that they would have tryouts ten months later, so I planned to be ready then. I finally got a minimal job and kept talking about training, but never really getting around to it. Tryouts came that year, and I was way out of shape. I didn’t do well at all, and missed out on the opportunity. My hope went to next year. Football and weed were all that I knew how to do well, and were what I had planned on doing with my life. In that time I went back and forth with Rachel about working, and sometimes I did, and other times I didn’t. Sometimes she supported my decision to play football, and sometimes she didn’t. Our relationship was poor at best, and we would only get along as long as we kept conversation simple and about everyday stuff. I tried to “love” her, but was failing miserably.

It was in May of 2005 that my life began to turn around for the first time ever. I started reading and studying my bible for the first time in years. I was spending hours upon hours studying and writing, and it was then that God gave me the idea and the name for Speakables (Speakables are Scripture on small cards that are usually centered around a topic for the purposes of confession and meditation on the Word). I had for the first time begun to switch my attention from drugs and football to God. Although I had grown up in the church, I lived off of my dad’s relationship with God, never really having my own knowledge of God, nor did I have a relationship with Him. I started going to church regularly, and also started helping out with the youth group there. I did pretty well for about five months. I wasn’t getting along with my wife, and we decided that it would be good for me to go and spend sometime in California with my parents and family. Not a good idea.

I went right back to my old ways: lying, smoking, and the like. I was supposed to be training while I was there and was able to get in decent shape. I returned to Texas for tryouts for the Dallas Desperados. I did pretty good, being in the shape that I was in, but only impressed an Arena2 (lower level arena league) coach. I did get invited out to practice with the Colorado Crush (another AFL team), due to a friend who had already made the team. I continued working out and got in even better shape. I did really well when I was in Colorado, but they weren’t really looking for any knew players, and I found that I was just wasting my time.

In the time after having left California to go back to Texas I began reading and studying again, and quit smoking weed. My relationship with God was growing, but I still wanted to play football. I really felt like God was leading me out to play for the Arkansas Twisters, the Arena2 team that had expressed interest in me at the Dallas tryout. I was in good shape, and ready to get out and prove myself once again. I did really well during the first day, and was on my way to earning a starting spot. However, the second day of practice, one of the clumsy guys trying to make the team got knocked over into the side of my lower leg breaking my fibula. Later that week I had surgery to put the bone back together.

Now, here I was away from my family once again, knowing that I had followed the voice of the God out there, but now with a broken leg. I was confused, but God had me stay out there. My roommate was a great Christian guy, and we spent hours talking about God and the things of His Word. He and I started a bible study that some of the other guys on the team would come to. It was also he that really pushed me to put Speakables together. Mike, my roommate, really liked the idea and wanted me to make some for him. I put a pack together and we started spending all of our free time and money making packs of Speakables so that we could give them away.

After the season was over I returned back to Texas to be with my wife, and now two kids. Our son, Hayden  had been born in December, only a few months before I had left to go to Arkansas. I was so glad to be home with my family. Although I really sucked at being a good husband and father, I sure loved them, and missed them so much while I was gone. I got a job working for a foundation repair company that paid fairly decently and had potential for me to be promoted quickly, but the problem was that I was gone from Monday morning until Friday night. I worked for them for almost exactly one year. During this time we had our third child, Hannah was born that May. Shortly after she was born my family and I were relocated to east Texas for my job, and I was supposed to be making more money and be home more often. Well, neither was the case, and due to the economy work slowed dramatically. All of these things stressed my already weak marriage to its maximum. Rachel and I decided I would quit working for them and get another job. This didn’t quite work out as there were very few jobs that I was qualified for that paid even ten dollars an hour. Our child care was $400 a week, and a ten dollar an hour job wouldn’t even pay for that after taxes.

We ran out of money and were evicted from out home. I prayed about what to do, and was presented with two options: we could go to St. Louis, MO to stay with some of my long time family friends who pastored a church there until we could get on our feet, or we could go to California to be with my parents and family to do the same. Going to be with her family was not an option at this point as Rachel’s parents had come to despise me for not making enough money to support their daughter. I knew that God was telling me to go, and still have no doubt in my mind that this was the case. I told Rachel that the kids and I were going to California to stay with my family, and that we wanted her to come with us. She said that she would not go to California, because she had never liked my family. She asked if she could take the kids to see her parents for a night of two before we left on our way to California. I let her go, but she did not go to be with her parents. She took the kids and hid them from me in a hotel room somewhere else. I didn’t know what to do. I drove frantically towards her parents house; praying most of the way there. I stayed in my car that night, and didn’t get much sleep. I finally heard from her the next morning when she called to tell me that she was sitting at an attorney’s office filing for divorce. I was so frustrated, my head was spinning, and I didn’t know what to do. I got clear direction that I was supposed to go, and for maybe the first time I followed through with what God had told me even though I did not understand.

Although I was a not a very good husband, I did not want to be separated from my wife again. I did, and still do love her, but I knew that I had to stand up for what God was telling me to do. She ended up not signing the papers at this time, and let me see the kids before I left. Leaving Rachel and the kids was probably the hardest thing that I have ever done in my life. I was being forced to make a choice between my God and my wife, a choice that I had failed at making for over a year, as I continually tried to please her and follow God too. As I was leaving to California, God gave me a promise that brought incredible peace. He said, “I’m going to bring restoration; not restored to what you were, but to what you were created to be.” Although I don’t fully understand what God meant by these words, I still hold on to this promise almost a year and a half later.

When I got to California, I resisted the draw back to my old life for a time. I was studying and working on Speakables, and I was working a minimal job to help out with the kids. As the talk of divorce continued, and after hearing everyday about how horrible a person I was, I again ran back to drugs and partying. It started with just this once and then progressed to I’ll stop tomorrow until I was back to being high all of the time again. My relationship with God suffered drastically as I ran to other things for comfort instead of Him. I was committing adultery against my God everyday. I went on like this for another four months until I was to return to Texas in hopes of reuniting with my wife and kids. I was there only one week before things hit the fan once again with my wife.

It was a Friday night, and Rachel had taken our kids to her parents as they routinely had done while I was gone. Before she had left she told me that I needed to get out because I didn’t have a job yet. After Rachel and the kids left I was frustrated and angry with God. I was ready to tell God to F%#@ off, and to leave me alone. I didn’t want to have anything to do with God anymore, and felt that He was not holding up the promise that He made me. I was blaming God for all of the problems that I had been through, and for making my life so horrible.

As I was mustering up the courage to tell God off I began to weep, and falling on the floor I cried out to God for forgiveness. It was I who was to blame for the circumstances of my life. It was I had racked up bad choice after bad choice. It was I who sinned against God. It was I who selfishly tried to live my life partially to please my God and my wife. I wanted the things of God, but had been unwilling to make the sacrifice that it takes to live in that place. For the sake of my marriage I had often compromised what God had been telling me to do and the direction that he had given me to go. In this moment there was an instant download of the poor choices that I had been making and blaming on God, and it was in this moment that I truly let them all go and received God’s love and forgiveness, maybe for the first time ever. Immediately I was filled with boldness, and rebuked the devil for having stolen everything that I held dear. It was my fault for allowing him in, but he was still the thief. As I lay on the ground I was set free from many of the bondages that had bound me for so long: dipping and smoking mainly, but other things as well. I made a phone call that night, and I was off to St. Louis, MO the next morning.

I left Texas on fire for God. I hungered and thirsted after righteousness. All I wanted was more of Him. Over the course of the next year (2008) I was stretched more and more, being purified by passing through fire. I grew in understanding faster and farther than I had ever before. I began to walk around in almost a constant prayer. My life was to worship the Creator. God had me learning lessons that are not talked about in the churches; lessons that you can’t be taught through reading a book. God began revealing Himself to me in new ways, tearing down the boundaries of my understanding. He revealed much of the wrong thinking that had kept me from walking in the fullness of the life that He had called me to. And something that I never would have expected, I was even kicked out of the church the was pastored by the long time family friends that I had stayed with when I was first in St. Louis. You would probably ask why, and the answer would be a whole other book. The short answer to why I was kicked out is simply because God had other plans for me. I still love those people dearly, and hope God’s love and blessing would fill their life. I could not go where God wanted me to go while staying in their church, or without having the experience of holding on to Him when everything else is failing.

From there I spent a whole lot of time on Youtube watching various videos from all kinds of people and beliefs. I found a guy out of Liberty, MO who had a ministry house (two town houses), and said that he was there to help people to hear God better and to get them cleaned up. From the time that I had started watching his videos I knew that there was a connection and that I would be going out there at some time. A few months later God led me to Liberty after another failed attempt to be with my wife and kids.

I spent four months in Liberty before returning to California to stay with my parents. That was at the end of April, and it is now approaching July. The last four months have been both rough and awesome. Rough due having had some downs, by the grace of God not as far down as I used to go, and awesome because God has still been showing up sharing great revelations with me. In the past couple of months I have allowed dipping to come back, something that I had not done in over a year and it’s been a struggle to let it go. I don’t know why I allow these stupid sins back into my life as they are not rewarding in the least, and they totally steel from the Life that God has given me. I do know that it is only by the empowering grace of God that I quit the first time, and it will be the same way this time. I tell you this, first to be as honest as possible, and second because I wanted you to see that even when you are following after God, as soon as you take your eyes off of Him and it becomes about you, you will sink. Over the last few days I have been relearning to let go, and receive the grace of God that overcomes all things. It is when Christ lives through me that I can walk on water, and the past few weeks it has been me living and attempting to tread water.

In these same few months God has been preparing me for the next phase of my life. Late one night while I was sitting in the dark on the front porch of my parent’s house talking to God, when He told me that I was going to start walking, and by walking He meant that I was going to forsake all things and head down the road following His direction. This didn’t really catch me off guard as it is something that He had showed me in bits and pieces over the last six months, and it is something that I have tried to ease into. However this time there was not going to be any easing into it, I was just supposed to get a back packers back pack and hit the road. This message was confirmed when my dad called me from work the next day, and shared how God had been talking to him that morning about leaving everything to start walking.

In this same time, God had been preparing me for my journey by showing me how much this worldly lifestyle, thinking, desires, and all of the day to day stuff is a distraction, and ultimately a contradiction to what God has called us to. We have been called to forsake the world and follow Him. We are to not be conformed to the world, but to transformed by the renewing of our minds (the realigning of our thinking from worldly to Godly). We are told to seek first the kingdom (or better, the reign) of heaven and His righteousness, and that all of the things that we have need of would be added to us: food, drink, and clothing. God showed me where I had been making these verses about me, and not allowing Him to do the interpreting. I had been trying to get God to bless me according to the standards of the world, instead of leaving those things behind and enter into his kingdom reign and provision. This journey is by no means an attempt at earning something from God (works), but is simply about following His voice and trusting in Him. God is who He says He is, and will always do what He said that He would do.

In my life I have committed many gross sins: fornication, adultery, sexual sin (through pornography and masturbation), drunkenness, witchcraft (or manipulation), and the list goes on and on. I have violated every single one of the Ten Commandments, and I am deserving of an eternity in the lake of fire. However, it is by God’s mercy that I have been pardoned and redeemed from that death sentence. It is by His grace that I am empowered to walk by the Spirit, and not according to the flesh. My only desire is to live a life that is pleasing in His sight, and the only way that this is even possible is for me to lay my life, my desires, my will, myself down for Him. It is not a fair trade at all: all my junk and imperfection for all of His life, His glory, and His perfection. God has called me out of gross darkness and into His glorious light. It is by God’s grace that I am saved (made whole) through child-like faith and trust in Him. I know that He has called you from whatever you are going through, and it is the same grace that now offers you a hope and a life. Will you trust Him? Will you lay your life down, and in return receive His?

I hope that my testimony is an encouragement to you at whatever place in life that you are in. I don’t care what you have gone through, how many people have hurt you, or how many people that you have hurt, there is forgiveness, peace, joy, goodness, and life waiting for you. The only thing that you have to do is run to Him, YaHuWaH. He is Love, the God of peace, your Creator and the Giver of all good things. Let go of all the junk that is in your hands; give it to Him, and let Him change your life. Thanks for reading.

Much love,

Joshua Ratliff